It’s taken me a while to write this post. Or any post for that matter. But here I am, typing alongside my resistance. And why am I resisting? Well, because I want to make this post perfect. After all, I haven’t written for so long so it MUST be the BEST BLOG POST THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN, am I right?
Of course not. But my perfectionism is a master at getting me to believe that it has to be. I’m sharing this with you because recently I realized that directly addressing the difficult thing that’s coming up for me in the moment helps me get over the hump; putting my perfectionism on blast is the best way for me to get past it and start writing.
These days I’m inviting more progress, more self-compassion, more forgiveness, and more intentionality into my life. And I’m giving myself permission to make things that are imperfect.
These are some of the gifts the past year and a half has given me. Let me enlighten you on what went down on my side.
For starters, there was a point in 2019 where I was pretty burnt out. I was tackling a lot at once and not giving myself much rest time, while experiencing problems in a few of my relationships. Navigating the stress of keeping up with school, my internships, my extracurriculars, and trying to mend a few broken hearts was tough. But thankfully towards the end of 2019 I was starting to feel a little better. I got support from my professors and loved ones, and I did my best to keep up with my assignments – I have to thank some of my wonderful friends for keeping me accountable and keeping me laughing. Whether you did so consciously or not, you really helped make my last two semesters at school bearable.
So fast forward to 2020. A new year! A clean slate! The best year yet! Little did I know…
LOL I know right? 2020 was wild, but looking back — and I can only say this in retrospect — it was also one of the most enlightening years of my life to date. I developed a new appreciation for life, in part because of my fear of death. I woke up to the fact that in many areas of my life I was playing small and not fully expressing my truth. I started to really think about what I WANT and what actually works for ME, instead of going along with what I think I “should” want or do. These are things that I couldn’t see before.
Yes, I experienced some disappointments. Half of my last college semester was taken away by the pandemic that hit. I graduated, but… online. I know that graduation matters a big deal to some and not at all to others, but I was SO READY to enjoy graduation. My sophomore and junior year I actually volunteered to help out with the graduation ceremonies of those years, so I was more than familiar with how the ceremony would go down which made me even more excited for the time when I would get to walk across the stage. I also missed out on going to senior formal and celebrating one last time, dressed like a delicious MEAL, with all of my classmates. I was ready. So when I learned that none of that would be happening, and that the trips I planned for the summer couldn’t happen, and that the world was in a panic… yeah, I was pretty disappointed to say the least. Had a couple breakdowns here and there.
But in that void, in those uncertain and gray times, I was able to connect with myself and my family in ways I never have before. My spirituality amplified, my desire to be in control was tested time and time again, and I read a bunch of great books.
Speaking of which, I couldn’t write a blog post without giving you a resource to check out. This book I’m about to share with you is something EVERYONE and their ancestors should read. Yup, I’m bringing them into this. Do yourself a favor and check out The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you read it already, this is a nudge to re-read it. Seriously. This book has shown up in my dreams, people! It’s short but so impactful. So go get it.
And now, post-grad life is full of unknowns and things to figure out. What will I do next? What do I want out of my relationships? What do I want for my future? So many things.
This time in my life feels both exciting and scary. It feels like I have a lot of decisions to make. But I’m navigating this space the best I can.
So as I wrap up my thoughts here I recognize that when I click publish on this post that, no, it won’t be perfect. But it will be honest. It will be what’s in my heart right now and what I feel called to share with you. If you’ve made it this far with me, thank you. I hope you’ll stick around for future posts and that you’ll take any gems that resonate with you. Cheers to stepping into the unknown!